Well I tried to make that sound festive and happy! I know I've been M.I.A. for a while, but life yanked me by the neck and started dragging me at warp speed. During crazy ride a couple of things got neglected like EVERYTHING that makes me happy as far as creative outlets go. But in other news...I got engaged, we've set the date for 10/04/2014. We combined households...that's weird living with someone. I'm graduating from the University of Alabama on 12/14/13 and I am DRAINED. Mentally and physically drained. It kind of sneaks up on you but when it hits it takes you out. I'm walking around literally a shell of who I am.
EVERY.LITTLE.THING. AGITATES .ME
This is normally the time of year I hit that deep down paralyzing depression and although it hasn't hit me yet. I see the ugly bitch lurking in the background.
I'm annoyed because somewhere in my head I thought those closet to me would be happy for and proud of my accomplishments and they're not. It hurts, just a little. I will say this though, those most IMPORTANT to me are very proud of me.
I feel like I went on a trip and can't find my way home.
Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean everything is OK...it simply means I'm telling myself jokes in my head so I won't focus on how bad I want to punch you in the throat.
I need a vacation but because these doctors couldn't find out what was/is wrong with me I have NO vacation time left, running to appointment after appointment...FML and they still don't really know what's wrong.
I'm struggling, with career decisions. If I stay I will be able to earn my Masters Degree and use my tuition break to only pay half. I need two years before I'm vested and I can walk away with the money my company contributed to my retirement, not just my contributions. What's the problem you might ask? It's a THANKLESS job where you are UNAPPRECIATED. The environment drains me daily and it's getting to the point where is it affecting my mental well being...which means it is time. When I walk around with a blank stare on my face, void of any type of expression it is time.
Random Ramblings of an Unsettled mind
When you walked in, looked around and burst into tears, you showed me just how shallow and vain you are and it made me feel like I failed at my job.
I did it all for you.
I don't know what happened and I don't know how to fix it.
I think you are a jealous hearted privileged bitch, you don't deserve that professional title and you damn sure not earning your keep. Stop being so fucking nosy and DO SOMETHING....
You've disappointed me so many times I'm numb, by all means don't stop on my account.
I'm sorry means nothing to me....people use those two words like toilet paper. Take a shit on me, wipe it off with an "I'm sorry" then flush it down the toilet. I still smell like shit.
I feel really, really sad but I'm bipolar so eventually my mood will swing.
I need a vacation, I need a place to sit and cry, or yell and cuss
I want to laugh...I miss me.
I'm going to get you back, I don't know how just yet but please believe I will...I'm petty like that.
I want to scrapbook.
My cup is empty...
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Ohhhh Baby!
The baby shower is OVER, it was a SUCCESS! Full of drama, aggravation and lots of CUSSING! Cause I cuss...Our little Princess London is doing AWESOME! Wait! I didn't tell you, let's pick up where we left off why don't we. Sooo they couldn't get my sister's blood pressure under control, which caused our baby's heart beat to stop and at 3:00AM on July 12th baby London was born via C-Section.
She is healthy and growing stronger everyday and as of this morning she is now bottle feeding once a day! She is no longer on IV for fluids and she may be home within the next two weeks! And I'll be there to greet her!
Hurley proposed to Stacy at the baby shower and all is well!
*disclaimer* He proposed once but wanted to do it again in front of family and friends!! He even gave her ANOTHER ring! So me with my brilliant ass hired her a wedding planner on yesterday because I am out of the party planning business!
She is healthy and growing stronger everyday and as of this morning she is now bottle feeding once a day! She is no longer on IV for fluids and she may be home within the next two weeks! And I'll be there to greet her!
Hurley proposed to Stacy at the baby shower and all is well!
Dear Darling Dear...
I've been thinking alot about mental illness of course, but the focusing on the toll it takes on your spirit. I was on FB today and ran across a video of my Dear Darling Dear Amber! And in this video she was so full of life, and appeared to be happy. But that's just it...she appeared to be happy, everyone thought she was OK, I wonder if the people in this video knew how much pain she was in...
When she got in the car with me and started talking, we were familiar strangers and I could feel her pain, it smothered me, I cried quietly for her and loved on her. Pay attention My Dear Darling Dears, the people around you are hurting. Pay attention my Dear Darling Dears, someone you love right now can't feel your love. Pay attention my Dear Darling Dears, the house is full of people but that one somebody is feeling all alone. We don't pay attention enough, when I am paying attention and I see pain I address it. You have all these thoughts in your head and the what if's imprison you but I take comfort in the fact that on a hot summer weekend in July I finally got to touch Amber Lynn. I spoke words of love and wisdom into her life and me her and Celeste just hung out and did what girls do....SHOPPING!
Pay attention to the people around you...
That stressed out co-worker
That withdrawn teenager
That little person who cries for no reason at all
That mother who's having a stiff drink at 9AM
When you ask someone how they're doing...please take the time to LISTEN to their answer.
R.I.P Amber Lynn *Amber is in the black shirt*
When she got in the car with me and started talking, we were familiar strangers and I could feel her pain, it smothered me, I cried quietly for her and loved on her. Pay attention My Dear Darling Dears, the people around you are hurting. Pay attention my Dear Darling Dears, someone you love right now can't feel your love. Pay attention my Dear Darling Dears, the house is full of people but that one somebody is feeling all alone. We don't pay attention enough, when I am paying attention and I see pain I address it. You have all these thoughts in your head and the what if's imprison you but I take comfort in the fact that on a hot summer weekend in July I finally got to touch Amber Lynn. I spoke words of love and wisdom into her life and me her and Celeste just hung out and did what girls do....SHOPPING!
Pay attention to the people around you...
That stressed out co-worker
That withdrawn teenager
That little person who cries for no reason at all
That mother who's having a stiff drink at 9AM
When you ask someone how they're doing...please take the time to LISTEN to their answer.
R.I.P Amber Lynn *Amber is in the black shirt*
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
As the World Turns...
As the world keeps on turning I feel out of place and off balance. You ever feel like that? I feel like I'm being held hostage, like circumstances have a gun to my head and it's a race to see who will survive. Survival of the fittess is what my mom use to say, I never really understood what she was trying to communicate to me because most of the time she spoke her own damn language. But today, and to me it means, if you don't get your shit together you will drown. If you don't get your shit together you will NOT win this race your running. If you don't get your shit together you will continously be a prisoner of that circumstance.
I wish I could just lay down and go to sleep and sleep. Without assistance from drugs and without interruption from a noisey mind. The "Black Republican" rubs my temples, speaks quietly, trys to make me smile, but he has never really experienced me in this space and it makes me sad because it makes him sad. His birthday is coming up, it's going to be a blast! He's special, at least he is to me. I think I got him the BEST GIFT EVER! I will post pictures and I planned us a weekend get-away! How cool is that?! You know just talking about him changed my mood...I'm smiling, which gives you a little insight into a Bipolar mind. When I started this damn post I was IN TEARS! Now I'm smiling...I'm Just Saying!
One thing I've never been is a slave to things/stuff and today that's exactly what I feel like...I realize that promises are made to be broken but it's a bitter pill to swallow when the promises made to YOU are the ones broken and it affects the way you live.
Anyway I'm doing good with my monthly post! I haven't missed one yet and I don't feel the pressure to write just anything. Although my last couple of posts have been rants, at least I'm sticking to my schedule.
I wish I could just lay down and go to sleep and sleep. Without assistance from drugs and without interruption from a noisey mind. The "Black Republican" rubs my temples, speaks quietly, trys to make me smile, but he has never really experienced me in this space and it makes me sad because it makes him sad. His birthday is coming up, it's going to be a blast! He's special, at least he is to me. I think I got him the BEST GIFT EVER! I will post pictures and I planned us a weekend get-away! How cool is that?! You know just talking about him changed my mood...I'm smiling, which gives you a little insight into a Bipolar mind. When I started this damn post I was IN TEARS! Now I'm smiling...I'm Just Saying!
One thing I've never been is a slave to things/stuff and today that's exactly what I feel like...I realize that promises are made to be broken but it's a bitter pill to swallow when the promises made to YOU are the ones broken and it affects the way you live.
Anyway I'm doing good with my monthly post! I haven't missed one yet and I don't feel the pressure to write just anything. Although my last couple of posts have been rants, at least I'm sticking to my schedule.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Today
Today I trust him with my whole heart.
Today I can see the smiles of our brown skin babies.
Today I believe that it will be forever.
Today I believe that my soul has found what it's been searching for.
Today I believe that he loves me with no conditions.
We talked last night and he missed me just as much as I missed him. We're planning on taking a trip together soon, that should be nice. He talks more, he talks more about what truly matters and that makes me happy. He has anxiety sometimes and so do I, about the same things so we've decided to always share how we're feeling.
He shared, I listened...I heard everything he said but what stuck with me was when he said, "When I look at you all I see is PURE LOVE." I was speechless, that's hard to admit that I was SPEECHLESS.
Do I believe this is the real thing? Today I do.
Do I believe that this will last? Today I do, for however long it's destined to last.
Do I believe in what we're builiding? Today I do.
We took our time and became friends, he knew how I lived my life or should I say my lifestyle and it didn't phase him. Today my "lifestyle" doesn't matter. When I say lifestyle I mean my relationship practices, I've been practicing the art of open relationships since 2007. I still believe in open relationships, but I will say this...I love him enough to devote my heart, my mind and my body to him and only him. His love has been so consistent and strong that he didn't have to ask...I just dropped the others one by one.
Today I'm not taking this journey alone.
Today I understand him a little bit more and he understands me more.
Today I am happy.
Today I am not in mania so how I feel is REAL and that brings tears of joy to my eyes. Today I can truly look at this man and know the things I am declaring won't be regrets once mania is gone because mania isn't here.
This throwback Badu makes me smile! Enjoy it and I'll be off enjoying the rest of this pretty day, and a quiet evening with "Him"
Today I can see the smiles of our brown skin babies.
Today I believe that it will be forever.
Today I believe that my soul has found what it's been searching for.
Today I believe that he loves me with no conditions.
We talked last night and he missed me just as much as I missed him. We're planning on taking a trip together soon, that should be nice. He talks more, he talks more about what truly matters and that makes me happy. He has anxiety sometimes and so do I, about the same things so we've decided to always share how we're feeling.
He shared, I listened...I heard everything he said but what stuck with me was when he said, "When I look at you all I see is PURE LOVE." I was speechless, that's hard to admit that I was SPEECHLESS.
Do I believe this is the real thing? Today I do.
Do I believe that this will last? Today I do, for however long it's destined to last.
Do I believe in what we're builiding? Today I do.
We took our time and became friends, he knew how I lived my life or should I say my lifestyle and it didn't phase him. Today my "lifestyle" doesn't matter. When I say lifestyle I mean my relationship practices, I've been practicing the art of open relationships since 2007. I still believe in open relationships, but I will say this...I love him enough to devote my heart, my mind and my body to him and only him. His love has been so consistent and strong that he didn't have to ask...I just dropped the others one by one.
Today I'm not taking this journey alone.
Today I understand him a little bit more and he understands me more.
Today I am happy.
Today I am not in mania so how I feel is REAL and that brings tears of joy to my eyes. Today I can truly look at this man and know the things I am declaring won't be regrets once mania is gone because mania isn't here.
This throwback Badu makes me smile! Enjoy it and I'll be off enjoying the rest of this pretty day, and a quiet evening with "Him"
Monday, April 15, 2013
Getting back on Track
The month of March was a weird one...that's the best way I can describe it. I didn't blog, I wasn't "too busy" to blog, I simply had no desire for the most part. So it's April and I have shit on my mind and as usual I have no particular person I feel comfortable talking this out with so I'll share it with the World Wide Web. At least I can't see you're faces, no looks of pity or disbelief or that "this bitch really is crazy" look. I need to avoid that right now so I'll be posting my entry for the month of April.
*Disclaimer* The blog post you see with the March date was published this morning, it's been sitting in my drafts since March 13, 2013. I guess I didn't want to share what I was really feeling in that moment. So technically I did blog I just didn't publish it.
*Shrugs shoulders*
*Disclaimer* The blog post you see with the March date was published this morning, it's been sitting in my drafts since March 13, 2013. I guess I didn't want to share what I was really feeling in that moment. So technically I did blog I just didn't publish it.
*Shrugs shoulders*
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
In This Moment
Right now I'm struggling, I'm struggling to hold back the tears, I'm struggling to control the anger and I'm struggling...
There's this uneasy nervousness surrounding me. I feel like something is going to happen, I feel like something out of my control is going to happen. People ask me if I'm ok and I say yes, but I'm not. I'm not having a good day, I feel like screaming crying and punching someone and I'm struggling.
There's this uneasy nervousness surrounding me. I feel like something is going to happen, I feel like something out of my control is going to happen. People ask me if I'm ok and I say yes, but I'm not. I'm not having a good day, I feel like screaming crying and punching someone and I'm struggling.
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