I'm In Love with a Stripper

On May 8, 2012 I received a call from Terry, it was late, a few minutes before midnight, so I knew when his name popped up on the phone it wasn't anything good.  I almost hit the ignore button because I just wasn't ready for whatever bad news he had to tell me.  Instead of ignoring the inevitable I answered the phone, but not with my normal "hey baby what's up" I answered with a worried, "what's wrong?"  This always strong, always happy man, sounded crushed and my heart dropped because I thought something was wrong with my best friend which is his wife.  He proceeded to tell me that our dear sweet Amber Lynn drove to the Mississippi River Bridge, stopped her car, got out and jumped to her death...

Can I just tell y'all about Amber?  I hadn't known her long, but out of the three girls she was my favorite!  CeCe also known as Celeste my best friend, helped raise Amber and her two sisters because their mom had issues, and ultimately the girls mom committed suicide. Celeste always talked about "the girls" so I got to know them through her stories and I decided that Amber was my favorite and indeed she was.  Last summer Celeste and I traveled to Louisiana (my home) to drop my daughter off at her dads, to spend time with "the girls" and to hit up some of the action in New Orleans, I mean Essence Fest was in full swing!  After we dropped Nene off, we wandered around the Red Stick, trying to find Amber's apartment and eventually we did.  When I walked into the apartment Amber greeted us and she was a ball of HAPPINESS, SUNSHINE, GLITTER, AND CANDY DUST all rolled up in her tiny little frame. Celeste told her how I had made up my mind that she was my favorite girl and her face just lit up, which made my heart happy.  We spent the day shopping and talking and EATING, you know, doing what girls do! While we were in the car, a heaviness over came me and it wasn't an "episode" I could literally feel her sadness and pain and it was smothering.  I'd listen to her talk and my heart weep loudly, I looked out the window alot because I wanted to hide the tears.

Sweet Amber Lynn carried around the pain of being uprooted more times then she cared to admit, the pain of  being in the crappy foster care system, the humiliation of rejection, the belittlement from teachers and adults, and the ultimate pain of her mother committing suicide.  But the heaviest burden I think Amber Lynn carried around was an inherited mental illness.  From the way they described her mother she suffered severely from some form/combination of mental illness.  I described Amber earlier and that is MY opinion of her, she was rejected by those who were suppose to love her more because she self medicated to numb the pain..pills and alcohol were best friends.  She was trying to find her way and make sense of everything she had gone through at such a young age, and all I could offer her was to take those experiences and pain and use them as motivation.  I hugged her, made her laugh, and told her she is exactly who God created her to be and to Him she was all of that and a bag of chips.  She had so many "if only" this or that had or hadn't happened she would be better.  Cece and I kept assuring her that she was AWESOME and that she was still so young to the point where she had time to do any and everything she wanted to do.

The truth of the matter is Amber was broken, and she searched feverishly for a mender, healing, peace...she wanted to belong and she wanted to be loved.  I think I've said enough, I don't want to offend or anger her family with my words, because hell I had only met her face to face that one time, but it felt like I had loved her forever.  I can only imagine how alone Amber Lynn was the day she parked her car on the Mississippi River Bridge and jumped.  I can hear the phone calls to the people who were suppose to love her and they didn't have time to deal with her and her "drama."  I found out last night that her dog ran away earlier that day, that dog loved her and personally I think someone stole the dog but that had to be a stress-or as well.

*Spppp* Can I tell you a secret?  In my next life I'm going to be a stripper!!!! I just adore them and sometimes in my mind I think I'm a stripper, I even have my own custom stage music and I have a stage name but that's not none of y'all's business.  My Amber Lynn was a stripper and at random times during the day I'd start singing "I'm in love with a stripperrrrrrrrrr"  She just laughed and enjoyed the love Cece and I were pouring over and into her.  I wish we hadn't left her...

Her dad died in August and she was devastated, I reached out to her because I lost my dad at a very young age, so I knew some of what she was going through....Below is the actual message I sent to my Amber on August 9th 2011.

My favorite girl, I am deeply sorry for your loss, I know there are no words that can take the pain away. I won't say all the things people say when a loved one dies because I know that is of no comfort. But I will say that YOU captured my heart and I feel like you are family. I will say that I love you and I pray for you daily, and I will say when you need me I am here for you and if you need us there me and CeCe will come there for you. Call me, it doesn't matter the time day or night, you can call me to vent, you can cry, cuss fuss, or just hold the phone and say nothing. You are a beautiful child, and out of the ashes of hurt and despair God will raise up a beautiful woman. Your name means precious jewel, and that you are. Again I am deeply sorry for your hurt and lost, I can identify with that hurt because I lost my dad suddenly at the age of 11 so again if you need ANYTHING I don't care what it is please call me. 205******* Praying for you always, Neecha

I shared my Amber with you because depression and mental illness dominated her life and in the end it got the best of her.  I know I have my own battle with mental illness but it is time for us to fight and fight HARD for our young people.  We must let them know they are loved, they are not alone and we have to get them the help they need....it's out there!  Let's start identifying their cries for help and actually help them...it could save lives...

Yesterday, they found Amber's body.  I guess we can all find some form of closure now...I guess.  My prayer is that My Favorite Girl has finally found the peace and rest she so desperately searched for.  Love you Amber.

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