There are several definitions of love floating around out there and I won't get into them all. Since experts have touched on this subject what I'll do is insert and excerpt here Is this LOVE that I'm feeling?. And I'll try to articulate what I'm going through as a Bipolar who's love life has been nicknamed the chopping block.
I don't know much about "love" but I do know it has been on my mind alot more than it has been in the past. We all have our definitions and those definitions are often based/formed under the heavy influence of society. You've seen it...VALENTINE'S DAY is a perfect example of society's influence on "LOVE" If he doesn't send me a dozen of red roses, and buy me chocolates or a nice fluffy teddy bear or a chocolate diamond ring, or that car then he doesn't really love me.
On Feb. 14th love is measured by the value/size/popularity of the gift given. It doesn't matter that your love interest treats you like shit the other 364 days of the year, he REALLY LOVES you on Valentine's Day because he invests in a few trinkets of societal affection. I don't buy into that bullshit and therefore I don't participate in the trivial display of often times fake affection. That's just me, but I'm getting off track, this post is about Loving Bipolar and being able to tell the difference between Love and Mania.
I guess I'm the typical Bipolar mixed with alot of ADHD, I have a hard time concentrating and paying attention, I BORE EASILY and I think the whole "Look a Squirrel" movement describes me perfectly. I can be mean, I don't play well with others, I'm selfish and some say self centered and I wish certain people would never, ever gather the courage to talk to me and the rest of them can fall of the face of the earth and I wouldn't give two damns. I will be the first to admit that I am the girl who juggles men, I have my own three ring circus going on and for the most part I LOVE IT! But something has happened over the past year...two of my clowns have actually penetrated my wall of protection and are aggressively pursuing a more meaningful, long term love type situation with me. I must admit that scares the hell out of me for several reasons. When I met these men I only had ONE use in mind for them and that was SEX...I'm not ashamed to admit that for as long as I can remember I've LOVED SEX. But my sex life is another post LOL! I have a cute little number system and everything. I try to never date more than five men at a time and each man is numbered according to his performance, skills and other contributions he brings to the table. Well that list of five has been dwindled down to an army of two and I'm happy with that. But...if love is love can I love them both and if love is love can I admit to one that when I entered into "relations" with him I was on a manic high of epic proportions and should I admit to the other one that I am deeply madly and
*Disclaimer* I am in an open relationship, both the men in my life know about one another and respect each other's position in my life and YES I LOVE THEM BOTH most days :) (Just had to throw that out there for all the pearl clutchers who were secretly judging for cheating LOL)
I don't know what I'm trying to say here, I have love but it's not the kind of love they sing about which is a fictitious figment of the song writer's imagination. Love is Love right? If that's true then why am I not satisfied with the comfort of a relationship that has vowed to never leave me nor forsake me? And is it the mania that drives me to want more beyond what I already have? See, I'm confused and I'm writing this because internalizing it is starting to interfere with my sleep, and Bi polars all over the world know that sleep is one of the keys to controlling episodes. Right now I feel like walking away from them both...and maybe that's exactly what I'll do...maybe. Please don't judge me because of my scatter brain attempt to share with you isn't turning out correct. I just needed to talk this out and I'm tired of talking to myself about it.
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