I started this blog because I wanted to "change the world." Apparently it's not working, people especially African Americans still treat me and others who suffer from Bipolar and other mental disabilities like the "Out Break Monkeys" I live by this quote and have spit it from my mouth so many times I lost count years ago, "What you think about me just don't matter." So having said that, I will still attempt to change "my world" and write about my day to day struggles with mental illness and maintaining my definition of a "normal" life. I will still strive to shed light on this "white elephant" in the room in the African American community but I will focus more on my wellness. I can't save the world if I'm locked up now can I?
I have no idea if anyone is reading this blog, it would probably help if I promoted it on the many social media outlets I indulge in. Anyway my question of the day to Bipolars and the people who love us is...How can you tell when you're manic or entering into mania?
At first I really couldn't gauge my mania because I'm always moving too fast to pay attention. I'm also A.D.H.D so that plays a part in me being able to tell what's going on as well. So I tried to slow my life down as much as I could and I started paying attention to my different swings, thought patterns and behaviors. After doing this I had my very on "Aha" moment! SEX!!!! That's how I know, my sex drive has always been a very healthy one, but when I'm in a cycle my sex drive is OFF THE CHARTS! I'm like a drug addict looking for his next fix, I want sex all the time during mania and I have it :) ALL THE TIME! Then just like that the light switch turns off and I'm back to the Bipolar standard of normal. I do experience racing thoughts, a flight pattern of ideas and I become very agitated and aggressive when I'm entering into or am in the throws of Mania but SEX is the dominating actor in my show. So pinpointing this I've taken some actions...NO I'm not going to stop having sex or should I say SAFE SEX...let me just say I BELIEVE in SAFE SEX, one of my nicknames amongst family and friends is the Condom QUEEN! I am going to try other activities before I engage and see if that quiets the beast, my guys (I have 2 fellas whom I love dearly, it's an open thang!)won't be happy with this but they'll live!
I never discussed my increased sex drive with my head shrink-er, I guess I need too, can I just tell y'all I love my doctor!!! He is Awesomely AWESOME, the best decision I ever made was breaking up with that wench who had not only misdiagnosed me but also over medicated my ass! Had me walking around like a damn zombie LITERALLY! That's another post, but maybe Dr. U can provide some insight and other coping skills I can try and use. Wait...now that I think of it, I LOVE SEX, and I'm 39 I'm not getting any younger, and another one of my mottos is Don't waste your "pretty" Soooo never mind when I feel my need for sex increasing I'm going to indulge!!!!!!! I'm just going to do like I've always done and that's be SAFE and HAVE FUN! And for the record I'm not manic right now nor am I depressed, I'm just even...depression was trying to creep in a couple of days ago, but I refused to indulge him.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Thursday, February 7, 2013
I Got the Blues...
Baby blues that is! For the past 6 years I've entertained the thought of having another child...I know you just gasped and clutched your pearls but simmer down. I know I joke about my children all growing up and leaving the nest soon and don't get me wrong I am still EXCITED about that and look forward to the day.
I don't apologize for being a woman of 40 (well I'll be 40 in August) and having young adults.
I was 16 when Jonathan came to live with my family, when I moved out at 17/18ish, he came with me. Jonathan is now 24, when I turned 21 he became a permanent part of my small family. My ex-husband and I married when I was 22 but by that time Jeffery, who will be 21 in a couple of days was here and our darling little diva LaNeecha who is now 18 was 5 months old. My little diva was actually carried down the isle by my mom and she had on the prettiest white and lace dress (her christening gown, I was cheap even back then!) So now I'm doing the ding dong my nest is empty dance and that's because I'm excited. I'm excited about who my young adults will become! I am excited about the great things they will do and all the wonderful accomplishments they will enjoy. I know life for them won't be perfect and I will be here to support them, pray for them, encourage them and help them. BUT yes I think about another baby!
The problem is though...See what had happened was...I got my tubes tied and in 2006 I was all set to get them undone and it happened!!! I changed my mind. That's the second regret I have, the first was tying them to begin with. But such as life. Now I'm on a mission to get-er-done by 41. Some may call it mission impossible but I didn't them so whatever!!! I'm 39 now and I have 6 months until my 40th, so instead of throwing the bday party of the century, I'm going to quietly save the money to cover the cost of surgery, and drop a few pounds in the next 6 months. In August I'll set my appointment for the procedure and continue to stack the cash. In March of 2014 I'll have my surgery!!! So while yall are sunbathing on the beach during spring break I'll be recovering.
Before you ask, NO I'm not manic right now and YES I think this is realistic and doable. I am not naive, I do no my chances of becoming pregnant are lower than someone younger, I know all the risks and yadayadayada. When my ex-husband and I made this decision, it was based on the fact that we were suppose to still be married, we had our two boys and our girl and we were suppose to be done. Well the marriage failed, I gave up my option to have more babies, and he went on...but I digress.
I may NEVER have another baby and if I don't I'll live I promise! I just want the option back, I want MY option back. It's as simple as that. Some may call it the baby blues, some may say my biological clock is ticking, but it's as simple as wanting my ability to give birth back before it is permanently laid to rest by mother nature. Now will I be posting *Look at my New Baby* pictures on here...who knows. But until then here's a picture of the babies God has already blessed me with.
I don't apologize for being a woman of 40 (well I'll be 40 in August) and having young adults.
I was 16 when Jonathan came to live with my family, when I moved out at 17/18ish, he came with me. Jonathan is now 24, when I turned 21 he became a permanent part of my small family. My ex-husband and I married when I was 22 but by that time Jeffery, who will be 21 in a couple of days was here and our darling little diva LaNeecha who is now 18 was 5 months old. My little diva was actually carried down the isle by my mom and she had on the prettiest white and lace dress (her christening gown, I was cheap even back then!) So now I'm doing the ding dong my nest is empty dance and that's because I'm excited. I'm excited about who my young adults will become! I am excited about the great things they will do and all the wonderful accomplishments they will enjoy. I know life for them won't be perfect and I will be here to support them, pray for them, encourage them and help them. BUT yes I think about another baby!
The problem is though...See what had happened was...I got my tubes tied and in 2006 I was all set to get them undone and it happened!!! I changed my mind. That's the second regret I have, the first was tying them to begin with. But such as life. Now I'm on a mission to get-er-done by 41. Some may call it mission impossible but I didn't them so whatever!!! I'm 39 now and I have 6 months until my 40th, so instead of throwing the bday party of the century, I'm going to quietly save the money to cover the cost of surgery, and drop a few pounds in the next 6 months. In August I'll set my appointment for the procedure and continue to stack the cash. In March of 2014 I'll have my surgery!!! So while yall are sunbathing on the beach during spring break I'll be recovering.
Before you ask, NO I'm not manic right now and YES I think this is realistic and doable. I am not naive, I do no my chances of becoming pregnant are lower than someone younger, I know all the risks and yadayadayada. When my ex-husband and I made this decision, it was based on the fact that we were suppose to still be married, we had our two boys and our girl and we were suppose to be done. Well the marriage failed, I gave up my option to have more babies, and he went on...but I digress.
I may NEVER have another baby and if I don't I'll live I promise! I just want the option back, I want MY option back. It's as simple as that. Some may call it the baby blues, some may say my biological clock is ticking, but it's as simple as wanting my ability to give birth back before it is permanently laid to rest by mother nature. Now will I be posting *Look at my New Baby* pictures on here...who knows. But until then here's a picture of the babies God has already blessed me with.
 Senior Prom Ready May 2012 |
The Graduation May 2010 (All of Us)
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