Empty

Well I tried to make that sound festive and happy! I know I've been M.I.A. for a while, but life yanked me by the neck and started dragging me at warp speed.  During crazy ride a couple of things got neglected like EVERYTHING that makes me happy as far as creative outlets go.  But in other news...I got engaged, we've set the date for 10/04/2014. We combined households...that's weird living with someone.  I'm graduating from the University of Alabama on 12/14/13 and I am DRAINED.  Mentally and physically drained.  It kind of sneaks up on you but when it hits it takes you out.  I'm walking around literally a shell of who I am.

EVERY.LITTLE.THING. AGITATES .ME

This is normally the time of year I hit that deep down paralyzing depression and although it hasn't hit me yet. I see the ugly bitch lurking in the background.

I'm annoyed because somewhere in my head I thought those closet to me would be happy for and proud of my accomplishments and they're not. It hurts, just a little.  I will say this though, those most IMPORTANT to me are very proud of me.

 I feel like I went on a trip and can't find my way home.

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean everything is OK...it simply means I'm telling myself jokes in my head so I won't focus on how bad I want to punch you in the throat.

I need a vacation but because these doctors couldn't find out what was/is wrong with me I have NO vacation time left, running to appointment after appointment...FML and they still don't really know what's wrong.

I'm struggling, with career decisions.  If I stay I will be able to earn my Masters Degree and use my tuition break to only pay half.  I need two years before I'm vested and I can walk away with the money my company contributed to my retirement, not just my contributions. What's the problem you might ask?  It's a THANKLESS job where you are UNAPPRECIATED.  The environment drains me daily and it's getting to the point where is it affecting my mental well being...which means it is time.  When I walk around with a blank stare on my face, void of any type of expression it is time.

Random Ramblings of an Unsettled mind

When you walked in, looked around and burst into tears, you showed me just how shallow and vain you are and it made me feel like I failed at my job.

I did it all for you.

I don't know what happened and I don't know how to fix it.

I think you are a jealous hearted privileged bitch, you don't deserve that professional title and you damn sure not earning your keep.  Stop being so fucking nosy and DO SOMETHING....

You've disappointed me so many times I'm numb, by all means don't stop on my account.

I'm sorry means nothing to me....people use those two words like toilet paper.  Take a shit on me, wipe it off with an "I'm sorry" then flush it down the toilet.  I still smell like shit.

I feel really, really sad but I'm bipolar so eventually my mood will swing.

I need a vacation, I need a place to sit and cry, or yell and cuss

I want to laugh...I miss me.

I'm going to get you back, I don't know how just yet but please believe I will...I'm petty like that.

I want to scrapbook.

My cup is empty...

Ohhhh Baby!

The baby shower is OVER, it was a SUCCESS!  Full of drama, aggravation and lots of CUSSING!  Cause I cuss...Our little Princess London is doing AWESOME!  Wait!  I didn't tell you, let's pick up where we left off why don't we.  Sooo they couldn't get my sister's blood pressure under control, which caused our baby's heart beat to stop and at 3:00AM on July 12th baby London was born via C-Section.
She is healthy and growing stronger everyday and as of this morning she is now bottle feeding once a day!  She is no longer on IV for fluids and she may be home within the next two weeks! And I'll be there to greet her!
Hurley proposed to Stacy at the baby shower and all is well!

*disclaimer* He proposed once but wanted to do it again in front of family and friends!! He even gave her ANOTHER ring! So me with my brilliant ass hired her a wedding planner on yesterday because I am out of the party planning business!

Dear Darling Dear...

I've been thinking alot about mental illness of course, but the focusing on the toll it takes on your spirit.  I was on FB today and ran across a video of my Dear Darling Dear Amber!  And in this video she was so full of life, and appeared to be happy.  But that's just it...she appeared to be happy, everyone thought she was OK, I wonder if the people in this video knew how much pain she was in...
When she got in the car with me and started talking, we were familiar strangers and I could feel her pain, it smothered me, I cried quietly for her and loved on her.  Pay attention My Dear Darling Dears, the people around you are hurting.  Pay attention my Dear Darling Dears, someone you love right now can't feel your love.  Pay attention my Dear Darling Dears, the house is full of people but that one somebody is feeling all alone.  We don't pay attention enough, when I am paying attention and I see pain I address it.  You have all these thoughts in your head and the what if's imprison you but I take comfort in the fact that on a hot summer weekend in July I finally got to touch Amber Lynn.  I spoke words of love and wisdom into her life and me her and Celeste just hung out and did what girls do....SHOPPING!

Pay attention to the people around you...
That stressed out co-worker
That withdrawn teenager
That little person who cries for no reason at all
That mother who's having a stiff drink at 9AM
When you ask someone how they're doing...please take the time to LISTEN to their answer.

R.I.P Amber Lynn *Amber is in the black shirt*

As the World Turns...

As the world keeps on turning I feel out of place and off balance.  You ever feel like that?  I feel like I'm being held hostage, like circumstances have a gun to my head and it's a race to see who will survive.  Survival of the fittess is what my mom use to say, I never really understood what she was trying to communicate to me because most of the time she spoke her own damn language.  But today, and to me it means, if you don't get your shit together you will drown.  If you don't get your shit together you will NOT win this race your running.  If you don't get your shit together you will continously be a prisoner of that circumstance.

I wish I could just lay down and go to sleep and sleep.  Without assistance from drugs and without interruption from a noisey mind.  The "Black Republican" rubs my temples, speaks quietly, trys to make me smile, but he has never really experienced me in this space and it makes me sad because it makes him sad.  His birthday is coming up, it's going to be a blast!  He's special, at least he is to me.  I think I got him the BEST GIFT EVER! I will post pictures and I planned us a weekend get-away! How cool is that?!  You know just talking about him changed my mood...I'm smiling, which gives you a little insight into a Bipolar mind.  When I started this damn post I was IN TEARS! Now I'm smiling...I'm Just Saying!

One thing I've never been is a slave to things/stuff and today that's exactly what I feel like...I realize that promises are made to be broken but it's a bitter pill to swallow when the promises made to YOU are the ones broken and it affects the way you live.

Anyway I'm doing good with my monthly post!  I haven't missed one yet and I don't feel the pressure to write just anything.  Although my last couple of posts have been rants, at least I'm sticking to my schedule.

Today

Today I trust him with my whole heart.
Today I can see the smiles of our brown skin babies.
Today I believe that it will be forever.
Today I believe that my soul has found what it's been searching for.
Today I believe that he loves me with no conditions.

We talked last night and he missed me just as much as I missed him. We're planning on taking a trip together soon, that should be nice.  He talks more, he talks more about what truly matters and that makes me happy.  He has anxiety sometimes and so do I, about the same things so we've decided to always share how we're feeling.
He shared, I listened...I heard everything he said but what stuck with me was when he said, "When I look at you all I see is PURE LOVE." I was speechless, that's hard to admit that I was SPEECHLESS.

Do I believe this is the real thing? Today I do.
Do I believe that this will last?  Today I do, for however long it's destined to last.
Do I believe in what we're builiding?  Today I do.

We took our time and became friends, he knew how I lived my life or should I say my lifestyle and it didn't phase him.  Today my "lifestyle" doesn't matter.  When I say lifestyle I mean my relationship practices, I've been practicing the art of open relationships since 2007.  I still believe in open relationships, but I will say this...I love him enough to devote my heart, my mind and my body to him and only him.  His love has been so consistent and strong that he didn't have to ask...I just dropped the others one by one. 

Today I'm not taking this journey alone.
Today I understand him a little bit more and he understands me more.
Today I am happy.
Today I am not in mania so how I feel is REAL and that brings tears of joy to my eyes.  Today I can truly look at this man and know the things I am declaring won't be regrets once mania is gone because mania isn't here.
This throwback Badu makes me smile! Enjoy it and I'll be off enjoying the rest of this pretty day, and a quiet evening with "Him"

Getting back on Track

The month of March was a weird one...that's the best way I can describe it.  I didn't blog, I wasn't "too busy" to blog, I simply had no desire for the most part.  So it's April and I have shit on my mind and as usual I have no particular person I feel comfortable talking this out with so I'll share it with the World Wide Web.  At least I can't see you're faces, no looks of pity or disbelief or that "this bitch really is crazy" look.  I need to avoid that right now so I'll be posting my entry for the month of April.

*Disclaimer* The blog post you see with the March date was published this morning, it's been sitting in my drafts since March 13, 2013.  I guess I didn't want to share what I was really feeling in that moment.  So technically I did blog I just didn't publish it.
*Shrugs shoulders*

In This Moment

Right now I'm struggling, I'm struggling to hold back the tears, I'm struggling to control the anger and I'm struggling...
There's this uneasy nervousness surrounding me.  I feel like something is going to happen, I feel like something out of my control is going to happen.  People ask me if I'm ok and I say yes, but I'm not.  I'm not having a good day, I feel like screaming crying and punching someone and I'm struggling. 

How can you tell?

I started this blog because I wanted to "change the world."  Apparently it's not working, people especially African Americans still treat me and others who suffer from Bipolar and other mental disabilities like the "Out Break Monkeys" I live by this quote and have spit it from my mouth so many times I lost count years ago, "What you think about me just don't matter." So having said that, I will still attempt to change "my world" and  write about my day to day struggles with mental illness and maintaining my definition of a "normal" life.  I will still strive to shed light on this "white elephant" in the room in the African American community but I will focus more on my wellness.  I can't save the world if I'm locked up now can I?

I have no idea if anyone is reading this blog, it would probably help if I promoted it on the many social media outlets I indulge in.  Anyway my question of the day to Bipolars and the people who love us is...How can you tell when you're manic or entering into mania?

At first I really couldn't gauge my mania because I'm always moving too fast to pay attention.  I'm also A.D.H.D so that plays a part in me being able to tell what's going on as well.  So I tried to slow my life down as much as I could and I started paying attention to my different swings, thought patterns and behaviors.  After doing this I had my very on "Aha" moment!  SEX!!!! That's how I know, my sex drive has always been a very healthy one, but when I'm in a cycle my sex drive is OFF THE CHARTS!  I'm like a drug addict looking for his next fix, I want sex all the time during mania and I have it :) ALL THE TIME! Then just like that the light switch turns off and I'm back to the Bipolar standard of normal.  I do experience racing thoughts, a flight pattern of ideas and I become very agitated and aggressive when I'm entering into or am in the throws of  Mania but SEX is the dominating actor in my show.  So pinpointing this I've taken some actions...NO I'm not going to stop having sex or should I say SAFE SEX...let me just say I BELIEVE in SAFE SEX, one of my nicknames amongst family and friends is the Condom QUEEN!  I am going to try other activities before I engage and see if that quiets the beast, my guys (I have 2 fellas whom I love dearly, it's an open thang!)won't be happy with this but they'll live!

I never discussed my increased sex drive with my head shrink-er, I guess I need too, can I just tell y'all I love my doctor!!! He is Awesomely AWESOME, the best decision I ever made was breaking up with that wench who had not only misdiagnosed me but also over medicated my ass!  Had me walking around like a damn zombie LITERALLY!  That's another post, but maybe Dr. U can provide some insight and other coping skills I can try and use.  Wait...now that I think of it, I LOVE SEX, and I'm 39 I'm not getting any younger, and another one of my mottos is Don't waste your "pretty" Soooo never mind  when I feel my need for sex increasing I'm going to indulge!!!!!!! I'm just going to do like I've always done and that's be SAFE and HAVE FUN!  And for the record I'm not manic right now nor am I depressed, I'm just even...depression was trying to creep in a couple of days ago, but I refused to indulge him.

I Got the Blues...

Baby blues that is!  For the past 6 years I've entertained the thought of having another child...I know you just gasped and clutched your pearls but simmer down.  I know I joke about my children all growing up and leaving the nest soon and don't get me wrong I am still EXCITED about that and look forward to the day.

I don't apologize for being a woman of 40 (well I'll be 40 in August) and having young adults.
I was 16 when Jonathan came to live with my family, when I moved out at 17/18ish, he came with me.  Jonathan is now 24, when I turned 21 he became a permanent part of my small family.  My ex-husband and I married when I was 22 but by that time Jeffery, who will be 21 in a couple of days was here and our darling little diva LaNeecha who is now 18 was 5 months old. My little diva was actually carried down the isle by my mom and she had on the prettiest white and lace dress (her christening gown, I was cheap even back then!)  So now I'm doing the ding dong my nest is empty dance and that's because I'm excited.  I'm excited about who my young adults will become! I am excited about the great things they will do and all the wonderful accomplishments they will enjoy.  I know life for them won't be perfect and I will be here to support them, pray for them, encourage them and help them.  BUT yes I think about another baby!

The problem is though...See what had happened was...I got my tubes tied and in 2006 I was all set to get them undone and it happened!!! I changed my mind.  That's the second regret I have, the first was tying them to begin with.  But such as life.  Now I'm on a mission to get-er-done by 41.  Some may call it mission impossible but I didn't them so whatever!!! I'm 39 now and I have 6 months until my 40th, so instead of throwing the bday party of the century, I'm going to quietly save the money to cover the cost of surgery, and drop a few pounds in the next 6 months.  In August I'll set my appointment for the procedure and continue to stack the cash.  In March of 2014 I'll have my surgery!!! So while yall are sunbathing on the beach during spring break I'll be recovering.

Before you ask, NO I'm not manic right now and YES I think this is realistic and doable.  I am not naive, I do no my chances of becoming pregnant are lower than someone younger, I know all the risks and yadayadayada.  When my ex-husband and I made this decision, it was based on the fact that we were suppose to still be married, we had our two boys and our girl and we were suppose to be done.  Well the marriage failed, I gave up my option to have more babies, and he went on...but I digress.

I may NEVER have another baby and if I don't I'll live I promise!  I just want the option back, I want MY option back.  It's as simple as that. Some may call it the baby blues, some may say my biological clock is ticking, but it's as simple as wanting my ability to give birth back before it is permanently laid to rest by mother nature.  Now will I be posting *Look at my New Baby* pictures on here...who knows.  But until then here's a picture of the babies God has already blessed me with.





Senior Prom Ready May 2012

The Graduation May 2010 (All of Us)

Mother's Day May 2008 (I had to bribe them with McDonalds)

 

 



Love is Love right????

*Disclaimer* I started this post back in October 2012 and put it in draft status and left it alone.  Yesterday when I got home my latest addition of BP Hope magazine was sitting on the table.  The cover read Love or Mania? Inside a big red heart!

There are several definitions of love floating around out there and I won't get into them all.  Since experts have touched on this subject what I'll do is insert and excerpt here Is this LOVE that I'm feeling?.  And I'll try to articulate what I'm going through as a Bipolar who's love life has been nicknamed the chopping block.

I don't know much about "love" but I do know it has been on my mind alot more than it has been in the past.  We all have our definitions and those definitions are often based/formed under the heavy influence of society.  You've seen it...VALENTINE'S DAY is a perfect example of society's influence on "LOVE" If he doesn't send me a dozen of red roses, and buy me chocolates or a nice fluffy teddy bear or a chocolate diamond ring, or that car then he doesn't really love me. 
On Feb. 14th love is measured by the value/size/popularity of the gift given.  It doesn't matter that your love interest treats you like shit the other 364 days of the year, he REALLY LOVES you on Valentine's Day because he invests in a few trinkets of societal affection.  I don't buy into that bullshit and therefore I don't participate in the trivial display of often times fake affection. That's just me, but I'm getting off track, this post is about Loving Bipolar and being able to tell the difference between Love and Mania.

I guess I'm the typical Bipolar mixed with alot of ADHD, I have a hard time concentrating and paying attention, I BORE EASILY and I think the whole "Look a Squirrel" movement describes me perfectly.  I can be mean, I don't play well with others, I'm selfish and some say self centered and I wish certain people would never, ever gather the courage to talk to me and the rest of them can fall of the face of the earth and I wouldn't give two damns.  I will be the first to admit that I am the girl who juggles men, I have my own three ring circus going on and for the most part I LOVE IT!  But something has happened over the past year...two of my clowns have actually penetrated my wall of protection and are aggressively pursuing a more meaningful, long term love type situation with me.  I must admit that scares the hell out of me for several reasons.  When I met these men I only had ONE use in mind for them and that was SEX...I'm not ashamed to admit that for as long as I can remember I've LOVED SEX.  But my sex life is another post LOL!  I have a cute little number system and everything. I try to never date more than five men at a time and each man is numbered according to his performance, skills and other contributions he brings to the table.  Well that list of five has been dwindled down to an army of two and I'm happy with that.  But...if love is love can I love them both and if love is love can I admit to one that when I entered into "relations" with him I was on a manic high of epic proportions and should I admit to the other one that I am deeply madly and totally in love with him most days?  Can I admit to them both that I indeed know what love is and I've experienced love on every level?  Should I also admit to them that I make hasty decisions, and when I realize the mistakes I've made I just eliminate the mistake...which is why my dating life has been nicknamed the "Chopping Block"  If I really loved them I would.

*Disclaimer* I am in an open relationship, both the men in my life know about one another and respect each other's position in my life and YES I LOVE THEM BOTH most days :)  (Just had to throw that out there for all the pearl clutchers who were secretly judging for cheating LOL)

I don't know what I'm trying to say here, I have love but it's not the kind of love they sing about which is a fictitious figment of the song writer's imagination.  Love is Love right?  If that's true then why am I not satisfied with the comfort of a relationship that has vowed to never leave me nor forsake me?  And is it the mania that drives me to want more beyond what I already have?  See, I'm confused and I'm writing this because internalizing it is starting to interfere with my sleep, and Bi polars all over the world know that sleep is one of the keys to controlling episodes.  Right now I feel like walking away from them both...and maybe that's exactly what I'll do...maybe.  Please don't judge me because of my scatter brain attempt to share with you isn't turning out correct.  I just needed to talk this out and I'm tired of talking to myself about it.