Today

Today I trust him with my whole heart.
Today I can see the smiles of our brown skin babies.
Today I believe that it will be forever.
Today I believe that my soul has found what it's been searching for.
Today I believe that he loves me with no conditions.

We talked last night and he missed me just as much as I missed him. We're planning on taking a trip together soon, that should be nice.  He talks more, he talks more about what truly matters and that makes me happy.  He has anxiety sometimes and so do I, about the same things so we've decided to always share how we're feeling.
He shared, I listened...I heard everything he said but what stuck with me was when he said, "When I look at you all I see is PURE LOVE." I was speechless, that's hard to admit that I was SPEECHLESS.

Do I believe this is the real thing? Today I do.
Do I believe that this will last?  Today I do, for however long it's destined to last.
Do I believe in what we're builiding?  Today I do.

We took our time and became friends, he knew how I lived my life or should I say my lifestyle and it didn't phase him.  Today my "lifestyle" doesn't matter.  When I say lifestyle I mean my relationship practices, I've been practicing the art of open relationships since 2007.  I still believe in open relationships, but I will say this...I love him enough to devote my heart, my mind and my body to him and only him.  His love has been so consistent and strong that he didn't have to ask...I just dropped the others one by one. 

Today I'm not taking this journey alone.
Today I understand him a little bit more and he understands me more.
Today I am happy.
Today I am not in mania so how I feel is REAL and that brings tears of joy to my eyes.  Today I can truly look at this man and know the things I am declaring won't be regrets once mania is gone because mania isn't here.
This throwback Badu makes me smile! Enjoy it and I'll be off enjoying the rest of this pretty day, and a quiet evening with "Him"

Getting back on Track

The month of March was a weird one...that's the best way I can describe it.  I didn't blog, I wasn't "too busy" to blog, I simply had no desire for the most part.  So it's April and I have shit on my mind and as usual I have no particular person I feel comfortable talking this out with so I'll share it with the World Wide Web.  At least I can't see you're faces, no looks of pity or disbelief or that "this bitch really is crazy" look.  I need to avoid that right now so I'll be posting my entry for the month of April.

*Disclaimer* The blog post you see with the March date was published this morning, it's been sitting in my drafts since March 13, 2013.  I guess I didn't want to share what I was really feeling in that moment.  So technically I did blog I just didn't publish it.
*Shrugs shoulders*

In This Moment

Right now I'm struggling, I'm struggling to hold back the tears, I'm struggling to control the anger and I'm struggling...
There's this uneasy nervousness surrounding me.  I feel like something is going to happen, I feel like something out of my control is going to happen.  People ask me if I'm ok and I say yes, but I'm not.  I'm not having a good day, I feel like screaming crying and punching someone and I'm struggling. 

How can you tell?

I started this blog because I wanted to "change the world."  Apparently it's not working, people especially African Americans still treat me and others who suffer from Bipolar and other mental disabilities like the "Out Break Monkeys" I live by this quote and have spit it from my mouth so many times I lost count years ago, "What you think about me just don't matter." So having said that, I will still attempt to change "my world" and  write about my day to day struggles with mental illness and maintaining my definition of a "normal" life.  I will still strive to shed light on this "white elephant" in the room in the African American community but I will focus more on my wellness.  I can't save the world if I'm locked up now can I?

I have no idea if anyone is reading this blog, it would probably help if I promoted it on the many social media outlets I indulge in.  Anyway my question of the day to Bipolars and the people who love us is...How can you tell when you're manic or entering into mania?

At first I really couldn't gauge my mania because I'm always moving too fast to pay attention.  I'm also A.D.H.D so that plays a part in me being able to tell what's going on as well.  So I tried to slow my life down as much as I could and I started paying attention to my different swings, thought patterns and behaviors.  After doing this I had my very on "Aha" moment!  SEX!!!! That's how I know, my sex drive has always been a very healthy one, but when I'm in a cycle my sex drive is OFF THE CHARTS!  I'm like a drug addict looking for his next fix, I want sex all the time during mania and I have it :) ALL THE TIME! Then just like that the light switch turns off and I'm back to the Bipolar standard of normal.  I do experience racing thoughts, a flight pattern of ideas and I become very agitated and aggressive when I'm entering into or am in the throws of  Mania but SEX is the dominating actor in my show.  So pinpointing this I've taken some actions...NO I'm not going to stop having sex or should I say SAFE SEX...let me just say I BELIEVE in SAFE SEX, one of my nicknames amongst family and friends is the Condom QUEEN!  I am going to try other activities before I engage and see if that quiets the beast, my guys (I have 2 fellas whom I love dearly, it's an open thang!)won't be happy with this but they'll live!

I never discussed my increased sex drive with my head shrink-er, I guess I need too, can I just tell y'all I love my doctor!!! He is Awesomely AWESOME, the best decision I ever made was breaking up with that wench who had not only misdiagnosed me but also over medicated my ass!  Had me walking around like a damn zombie LITERALLY!  That's another post, but maybe Dr. U can provide some insight and other coping skills I can try and use.  Wait...now that I think of it, I LOVE SEX, and I'm 39 I'm not getting any younger, and another one of my mottos is Don't waste your "pretty" Soooo never mind  when I feel my need for sex increasing I'm going to indulge!!!!!!! I'm just going to do like I've always done and that's be SAFE and HAVE FUN!  And for the record I'm not manic right now nor am I depressed, I'm just even...depression was trying to creep in a couple of days ago, but I refused to indulge him.

I Got the Blues...

Baby blues that is!  For the past 6 years I've entertained the thought of having another child...I know you just gasped and clutched your pearls but simmer down.  I know I joke about my children all growing up and leaving the nest soon and don't get me wrong I am still EXCITED about that and look forward to the day.

I don't apologize for being a woman of 40 (well I'll be 40 in August) and having young adults.
I was 16 when Jonathan came to live with my family, when I moved out at 17/18ish, he came with me.  Jonathan is now 24, when I turned 21 he became a permanent part of my small family.  My ex-husband and I married when I was 22 but by that time Jeffery, who will be 21 in a couple of days was here and our darling little diva LaNeecha who is now 18 was 5 months old. My little diva was actually carried down the isle by my mom and she had on the prettiest white and lace dress (her christening gown, I was cheap even back then!)  So now I'm doing the ding dong my nest is empty dance and that's because I'm excited.  I'm excited about who my young adults will become! I am excited about the great things they will do and all the wonderful accomplishments they will enjoy.  I know life for them won't be perfect and I will be here to support them, pray for them, encourage them and help them.  BUT yes I think about another baby!

The problem is though...See what had happened was...I got my tubes tied and in 2006 I was all set to get them undone and it happened!!! I changed my mind.  That's the second regret I have, the first was tying them to begin with.  But such as life.  Now I'm on a mission to get-er-done by 41.  Some may call it mission impossible but I didn't them so whatever!!! I'm 39 now and I have 6 months until my 40th, so instead of throwing the bday party of the century, I'm going to quietly save the money to cover the cost of surgery, and drop a few pounds in the next 6 months.  In August I'll set my appointment for the procedure and continue to stack the cash.  In March of 2014 I'll have my surgery!!! So while yall are sunbathing on the beach during spring break I'll be recovering.

Before you ask, NO I'm not manic right now and YES I think this is realistic and doable.  I am not naive, I do no my chances of becoming pregnant are lower than someone younger, I know all the risks and yadayadayada.  When my ex-husband and I made this decision, it was based on the fact that we were suppose to still be married, we had our two boys and our girl and we were suppose to be done.  Well the marriage failed, I gave up my option to have more babies, and he went on...but I digress.

I may NEVER have another baby and if I don't I'll live I promise!  I just want the option back, I want MY option back.  It's as simple as that. Some may call it the baby blues, some may say my biological clock is ticking, but it's as simple as wanting my ability to give birth back before it is permanently laid to rest by mother nature.  Now will I be posting *Look at my New Baby* pictures on here...who knows.  But until then here's a picture of the babies God has already blessed me with.





Senior Prom Ready May 2012

The Graduation May 2010 (All of Us)

Mother's Day May 2008 (I had to bribe them with McDonalds)

 

 



Love is Love right????

*Disclaimer* I started this post back in October 2012 and put it in draft status and left it alone.  Yesterday when I got home my latest addition of BP Hope magazine was sitting on the table.  The cover read Love or Mania? Inside a big red heart!

There are several definitions of love floating around out there and I won't get into them all.  Since experts have touched on this subject what I'll do is insert and excerpt here Is this LOVE that I'm feeling?.  And I'll try to articulate what I'm going through as a Bipolar who's love life has been nicknamed the chopping block.

I don't know much about "love" but I do know it has been on my mind alot more than it has been in the past.  We all have our definitions and those definitions are often based/formed under the heavy influence of society.  You've seen it...VALENTINE'S DAY is a perfect example of society's influence on "LOVE" If he doesn't send me a dozen of red roses, and buy me chocolates or a nice fluffy teddy bear or a chocolate diamond ring, or that car then he doesn't really love me. 
On Feb. 14th love is measured by the value/size/popularity of the gift given.  It doesn't matter that your love interest treats you like shit the other 364 days of the year, he REALLY LOVES you on Valentine's Day because he invests in a few trinkets of societal affection.  I don't buy into that bullshit and therefore I don't participate in the trivial display of often times fake affection. That's just me, but I'm getting off track, this post is about Loving Bipolar and being able to tell the difference between Love and Mania.

I guess I'm the typical Bipolar mixed with alot of ADHD, I have a hard time concentrating and paying attention, I BORE EASILY and I think the whole "Look a Squirrel" movement describes me perfectly.  I can be mean, I don't play well with others, I'm selfish and some say self centered and I wish certain people would never, ever gather the courage to talk to me and the rest of them can fall of the face of the earth and I wouldn't give two damns.  I will be the first to admit that I am the girl who juggles men, I have my own three ring circus going on and for the most part I LOVE IT!  But something has happened over the past year...two of my clowns have actually penetrated my wall of protection and are aggressively pursuing a more meaningful, long term love type situation with me.  I must admit that scares the hell out of me for several reasons.  When I met these men I only had ONE use in mind for them and that was SEX...I'm not ashamed to admit that for as long as I can remember I've LOVED SEX.  But my sex life is another post LOL!  I have a cute little number system and everything. I try to never date more than five men at a time and each man is numbered according to his performance, skills and other contributions he brings to the table.  Well that list of five has been dwindled down to an army of two and I'm happy with that.  But...if love is love can I love them both and if love is love can I admit to one that when I entered into "relations" with him I was on a manic high of epic proportions and should I admit to the other one that I am deeply madly and totally in love with him most days?  Can I admit to them both that I indeed know what love is and I've experienced love on every level?  Should I also admit to them that I make hasty decisions, and when I realize the mistakes I've made I just eliminate the mistake...which is why my dating life has been nicknamed the "Chopping Block"  If I really loved them I would.

*Disclaimer* I am in an open relationship, both the men in my life know about one another and respect each other's position in my life and YES I LOVE THEM BOTH most days :)  (Just had to throw that out there for all the pearl clutchers who were secretly judging for cheating LOL)

I don't know what I'm trying to say here, I have love but it's not the kind of love they sing about which is a fictitious figment of the song writer's imagination.  Love is Love right?  If that's true then why am I not satisfied with the comfort of a relationship that has vowed to never leave me nor forsake me?  And is it the mania that drives me to want more beyond what I already have?  See, I'm confused and I'm writing this because internalizing it is starting to interfere with my sleep, and Bi polars all over the world know that sleep is one of the keys to controlling episodes.  Right now I feel like walking away from them both...and maybe that's exactly what I'll do...maybe.  Please don't judge me because of my scatter brain attempt to share with you isn't turning out correct.  I just needed to talk this out and I'm tired of talking to myself about it.                                                                            

One Post at a Time

One thing I've realized is that my creative energy, my elevated levels of annoyance and my fits of anger and sometimes rage come in waves...

Somedays I can take on the world and I can do any and everything I set my mind too, and then there are days like today...I just want to crawl up in my black hole and look out into the blackness.  Instead of doing that I remembered a declaration I made on this blog and that's to write an original post at least once a month for this blog.  I'm doing it so I can feel like I'm consistent about SOMETHING, I'm also sticking to my declaration because this is my place of venting, the only place I feel comfortable coming and letting it all hang out.  This morning I woke up tired, my alarm went off, I dismissed it, looked at the ceiling turned back over and forty minutes later I jumped up running late for work.  I took the medicine Dr. U prescribed for me last month so I can sleep.  I only took half a pill because the last time I took an entire pill it mollywhopped me!  I had NO trouble getting to sleep after I took it, I just took it a little too late...you live and you learn and tonight I'll be taking that particular med at least forty mintues earlier than I took it last night.

Managing Moods:
The hardest problem I'm having with managing my moods is allowing people to invade my mood barrier.  Like this bitch walked into my personal space today, talking about a random unimportant policy that I did not write nor did I agree with it but FUCK it I have to follow it.  My position is to keep YOU up on policy, I'm not going to argue with you about it, I'm not going to enforce the policy.  I'm simply going to remind you about the rules and keep it moving.  The last thing you would ever want to do is bring your ass in here and try to "challenge me."  We all have a job to do whether it's for a paycheck, or for pleasure and I'm not going to let you keep me from doing my job...I will however laugh with glee when you go against policy and it comes back to bite you in the ass.

In an effort to not remain in this place of anger, I'm going to set some new rules and boundaries concerning the things you bring to my office.  I will not entertain idle chitter chatter from people I wouldn't fratinize with outside of work and if it's not directly related to my position/area then you gotta keep it moving. 

Anyway, I shall build consistency one blog post at a time, I think this will also help me get back into the writer's mindset.  I have a book I promised my big sister Linda I was going to write and I'm going to write it, if it's the last thing I do...My sister left this earth in May 2011, the last time we talked she asked about my book.